I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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