i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
