: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
