I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
