I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
