You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
