last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
