The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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