Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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