I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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