If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
