I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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