Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
