my phone needs a breathalizer
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
