you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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