Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize