Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
