I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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