I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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