he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize