I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
