i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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