Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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