Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize