I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
