worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
