If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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