Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
