I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
