He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
