I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
