The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
