Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
