woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
