Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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