I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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