it wasn't lemon gatorade
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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