he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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