our cab driver is having phone sex.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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