I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
