my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
