omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize