Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
