he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
