I feel like I'm in dance class right now
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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