I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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