Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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