I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm having to shit out rocks
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