A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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