i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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