Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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