I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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