I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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