Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
