I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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