I smell stomach acid.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
